Monday September 6th 2010

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What Am I Lying To Myself About?

This passage is from Nathaniel Branden’s The Art of Living Consciously.

When we evade the truth about those we deal with, for fear of disturbing the relationship, we set ourselves up for inevitable suffering. If I am honest with myself about someone’s shortcomings but choose to go on dealing with him or her because of other benefits, and therefore do not complain or express shock if the shortcomings express themselves, I am not engaged in evasion or self-deception. I am in effect taking a calculated risk based on what amounts to a cost-benefit analysis.

But if I choose not to be conscious of plainly apparent dangers 0r if I deny or rationalize my spouse’s abusiveness, pretend not to see evidence of infidelity, or, in business, if I make myself oblivious to the shortcomings of a deal because I want so much for the project to work – then I am inviting the pain and disappointment I will experience. I have forfeited the right to cry “betrayal.” I have disarmed myself, and by my cooperation I have signaled my partner that his or her behavior is acceptable and there is no need or reason to change.

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Branden’s book has impacted my life; I recommend that you buy a copy.

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